*TRIGGER WARNING* This post deals with issues of Family Violence. Contact information for support networks and hotlines in Australia can be found at the conclusion.

“I am not a victim of abuse. I am not a victim of abuse. I am not a victim of abuse!”

This thought keeps crashing in on me in such an unwelcome and unhelpful way as I sit in the room at the court building, listening to the lawyer define what constitutes family violence in Australia. I can’t think about this now, I need to focus. I need to be present. I feel my pulse quicken and my breathing shorten. I can’t think about this now. Stop!

I look at the lawyer as she finishes her list and speaks softly to the other lady sitting in the interview room. I hear about the next steps in the court process and what she, as the legal representative, will do. I hear the options and possible outcomes presented—and then all eyes turn to me.

As a Salvation Army minister, I’m present with someone in the middle of getting a family violence intervention order, to offer some words of comfort and support. With every ounce of control I can muster, I force my thoughts aside and try to speak grace and wisdom.

That moment was the first hint that I was a victim of abuse. Words have power. They hurt. Their bruises take longer to heal than broken bones. Emotional abuse is abuse just as is physical abuse. The revelation was so very shocking to me that it took months to crystallize fully.

The description of Family Violence is violent or threatening behavior that coerces or controls a family member or causes that family member to be fearful. Such behavior may include, but is not limited to: physical violence; sexual assault; economic abuse; emotional abuse; stalking; deprivation of liberty; damage to property, irrespective of whether the victim owns the property; and behavior by the person using the violence that causes a child to be exposed to this behavior.

I had never suffered physical violence, but I lived in constant fear of his actions and reactions. My every word was chosen to keep the peace. My every action was calculated so I would not incur his wrath. I made choices based on what he may or may not read into them. Although this behavior was present in our marriage, it somehow got worse in the years after our separation and divorce.

I soon found myself on the other side of the interview room, with the lawyer speaking to me. The police were taking out a family violence intervention order on my behalf. They believed there was more than enough evidence to support my claim that abuse was present and ongoing, despite being divorced for many years.

Even though the order was granted, and then extended, there was no acceptance of responsibility. I was seen as the antagonist in his world and he was somehow the victim. This remains unchanged even now.

How much shame did I feel about finding myself in this situation? How much do I still feel? I am a reasonably well-adjusted, capable and confident woman. How could I be a statistic? How did I allow such a situation to fester?

I had a simplistic view of what abused women looked like, however family violence is not confined to a particular stereotype. It can be found across all ages, genders and demographics. I also believed that this would not be evident in Christian relationships, but this is a fallacy as well.

I have spent much time reflecting on this journey, how it has shaped me, how it has affected my faith. All the way through this relationship there were choices that I made to stay with this person, even when there were hints that this type of behavior may be present. I believed that if I demonstrated more love and grace then the situation would not escalate. I was wrong.

I believed that if I had more faith in God to fix the situation than all would be well. The fact is, God has given everyone free will, even him, and so he needed to choose to live under God’s rule, I couldn’t choose for him.

The verses that have spoken the loudest to me in this circumstance are ones that refer to God being my refuge and strength, my protector in times of trouble. (Eg. Psalm 57:1; 71:3; 91:2; 94:22; 119:114 and 144:2 just to name a few.)

Family violence is complex and messy. It takes a significant amount of courage to stand up. It is not as simple as packing up everything and pretending the relationship never existed.

What has helped me immensely is now being in a stable, loving relationship with a person who supports me and my children and has stood by me as I faced this. Our relationship has helped me learn how true love is shown and that I am worthy to be loved like that. I am, and will forever be grateful, David.

Despite writing this over ten years ago, this has been a difficult thing for me to revisit and post, but I know that if this situation can happen to me, it can happen, and is happening, to others—in our community, in our churches and in our families. If it is part of your journey too, please be courageous enough to tell someone. Sharing the burden can be of immense benefit and relief.

If someone shares a story such as this with you, please take it seriously and seek the appropriate resources to assist and support.

I am an affected family member of violence. My children are affected family members of violence. I can choose to hide away, stay silent and feel shame or I can choose to stand up and say, “No! Violence is not okay. In any form. Ever.”

Australian National Hotlines

1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732): 24 hour, National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

Lifeline has a national number who can help put you in contact with a crisis service in your State (24 hours)
131 114

Police or Ambulance
000 in an emergency for police or ambulance.

Translating and Interpreting Service
Phone to gain access to an interpreter in your own language (free)
131 450

Mensline Australia
Supports men and boys who are dealing with family and relationship difficulties
1300 78 99 78

Kids Help Line
Telephone counselling for children and young people
Freecall: 1800 551 800.
E-mail and web counselling www.kidshelp.com.au