I recently needed to visit my GP for my annual check up. He ordered a full blood work up and a follow up CT scan for the ankle that I have had a pain problem with for 2 years. I dutifully attended these procedures and last week presented back to him for the results.

He started by looking at the blood test. I have multiple good levels, but he was worried that my cholesterol level was creeping up. It’s not at panic levels just yet, but he advised me to eat less red meat and to exercise more. Fair enough. It is good to get on top of these things early.

He then checked my iron levels. The results indicate my iron stores were so deficient that tablets would not improve them fast enough. I was advised I needed an iron infusion in the next few days. On top of that, I was told that I needed to include MORE red meat (and other iron-rich foods) in my diet. Hmmmm…

Then came the results of my CT scan. I was hoping for a definitive answer to what was causing my pain post-running. A stress fracture or ligament tear that would heal over time. What I was instead told was that there was evidence of degeneration of some inner ankle bone areas and some soft tissue inflammation. Primarily, this is caused by overuse and ageing and neither are going to get better over time. His advice … basically … exercise less.

To say I was confused after this visit was an understatement, and my lovely, overworked, African GP did not seem to notice that with every result he shared he offered conflicting advice to combat some other result. I thought that if I pointed it out to him it would not go well, so I thanked him and left his rooms trying to understand how I could both increase and decrease my red meat intake as well as my exercise.

When I arrived home and started processing the information I became quite animated and upset. I heard myself using what I call ‘victim’ language. Why do things like this always happen to me? How am I supposed to improve my health with this conflicting advice? Why is nothing ever simple for me? It’s not fair.

I have learned that when I hear this pattern of self-talk I need to stop and pay attention to the answer of one very important question. What am I afraid of here? When I play the victim it is almost always because fear has stepped in and taken over my thought processes.

I can tell you straight up I don’t like the fact that I have learned this about me. It is far easier to sit in the space where others may potentially be completely responsible for my state of mind and situation. That is a familiar space and role that requires little to no effort on my part to rectify.

If, however, I ask the question and then sit in the fear that follows it takes greater effort and is usually incredibly uncomfortable. Does it mean I shouldn’t do it? Unfortunately not.

So I ask myself … “What are you afraid of with these test results?” and I pause to wrestle with the answer.

The fact is, I am getting older (I hate to break it to you, but we all are!) and with ageing comes more complex health needs as parts of our body start to deteriorate faster than we may like. I don’t like to think of myself not being as able to do things as I can do now and it is an uncomfortable realisation.

While that thought is part of the answer to my struggle I am wondering if it also has something to do with a recurring issue for me … control. I like to believe that I have some kind of control options in keeping in good health, and ageing is not something I actually have control over. This feels more like the fear driver I am experiencing.

While neither of these things helps me determine if I eat steak tonight or not, it does stop the ‘pity party’ that was happening. It also helps me address the fear by remembering that I believe in an Almighty God who has control and cares for me and wants me to live my best life.

Proverbs 19 verse 21 says, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” He is in control and that’s the best for all concerned.

Does that mean that I don’t try to reduce my cholesterol, raise my iron levels and find ways to not further damage my bones? Of course not. But these things are not something I should be afraid of facing. God and me can do it together.

Be blessed.